I helped Tia's aunt die today.

( and then left the ground to circle the earth )

Hey, whoever checks this thing- I know you do, Danny, don't lie to me- yeah, I am alive, don't get so excited. Things have been kind of rough for me lately, but God never gives anybody more than they can handle, or so my grandma used to say.

Just letting you know nobody has to worry about me, I've got things under control.

On 17 separate occasions I have walked places without knowing it.

Who does that? What's wrong with me?

Maybe this is God's punishment for what I did to Ryan. Maybe He knew before I did and that's where the nightmares came from. I just pray He has mercy on my aunt and doesn't blame her for what I did.

I can't go to church so I made an altar in my room and I just hope that's enough. It's so hard to stay awake but I don't want to sleep and Marion is noticing, I think. Ever since that thing with the Fed (I can't remember his name, K-something, I think) he's been...I don't know.

He keeps thinking about

He keeps looking at me, I don't know what he's thinking. Get a grip, Tia.

I also reorganized the office. That might be it too. That or when I swatted the cockroach without freaking out. It's just a cockroach, my life is already a problem, who cares if it's gross? The days of Tia screaming over bugs are over.

God, I am so scared.

Every time I try to write it down I can't

god I'm so sorry I don't know why i did it

The nightmares won't stop. I've been sneaking 'Phelia's pills, the pain ones, and I still can't get through a night.

I don't know where they come from last night I had wings and we were fighting, all of us, and I couldn't help any of the people and I kept trying and they died they died everywhere and then he killed Gabriel

Not my brother, some other Gabriel, and he killed him and that's when I woke up

Ophelia says I should talk to the priest and I can't tell her I tried, but it was just like Christmas, i got to the door and then I was sick and it hurt so much so it can't just be me getting sick can it? Because it stopped when I walked down the street

I sound crazy. I feel crazy. Yesterday I took the gun out of my drawer and I just stared at it and it didn't feel like long but when I looked at the clock it'd been two hours

I stared at a gun for two hours and I don't know why

I don't have anyone to talk to, I can't worry anyone. Everyone has enough problems, Jaime keeps getting into trouble at home and Gina's baby girl is sick and Ophelia isn't getting any better, but God willing she will. I can't go and add this onto that. It'll pass.

Ryan hasn't called since the last time I saw him. I'm worried.

But every time I pick up the phone to call him I stop and hang up. But I should call him, I mean, if anybody would listen and not think I was losing it it'd be Ryan.

I'll call him, we'll get together, and it'll be okay. Maybe if I sleep with him the nightmares won't come. Maybe I'm just lonely.

I'll call him, this time. For sure.

Weird morning.

It was one of those days when you wake up and everything feels new, I guess, but I don't know. I'm really happy and at the same time I feel like

I don't know. I probably got a contact high from Ryan, haha.